Assertiveness, one barking feamle dog & an untimely funeral

One often finds that others dominate him into thinking their way  or that  it is  difficult for him to express positive or negative feelings frankly.

It is likely that he has a common problem known as "lack of assertiveness."

What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is standing up for your right to be treated fairly. It is expressing your opinions, needs, and feelings, without ignoring or hurting the opinions, needs, and feelings of others.

Because people want to be liked and thought of as 'nice' or 'easy to get along with', they often keep their opinions to themselves, especially if those opinions conflict with other people's.

A university counseling centre abroad has given in nutshell some tips. Read on .....

“… Before you can comfortably express your needs, you must believe you have a legitimate right to have those needs.

 Keep in mind that you have the following rights:

·         The right to decide how to lead your life. This includes pursuing your own goals and dreams and establishing your own priorities.

·         The right to your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions -- and the right to respect yourself for them, no matter the opinion of others.

·         The right not to justify or explain your actions or feelings to others.

·         The right to tell others how you wish to be treated.

·         The right to express yourself and to say "No," "I don't know," "I don't understand," or even "I don't care." You have the right to take the time you need to formulate your ideas before expressing them.

·         The right to ask for information or help -- without having negative feelings about your needs.

·         The right to change your mind, to make mistakes, and to sometimes act illogically -- with full understanding and acceptance of the consequences.

·         The right to like yourself even though you're not perfect, and to sometimes do less than you are capable of doing.

·         The right to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel comfortable and free to express yourself honestly -- and the right to change or end relationships if they don't meet your needs.

·         The right to change, enhance, or develop your life in any way you determine.

When you don't believe you have these rights -- you may react very passively to circumstances and events in your life. When you allow the needs, opinions, and judgments of others to become more important than your own, you are likely to feel hurt, anxious, and even angry. This kind of passive or nonassertive behavior is often indirect, emotionally dishonest and self-denying.

Many people feel that attending to their legitimate needs and asserting their rights translates to being selfish. Selfishness means being concerned about only your rights, with little or no regard for others. Implicit in your rights is the fact that you are concerned about the legitimate rights of others as well.

Selfishness and Aggressiveness

When you behave selfishly, or in a way that violates the rights of others, you are, in fact, acting in a destructive, aggressive manner --rather than in a constructive, assertive manner. There is a very fine line that divides the two manners of action.

Aggressiveness means that you express your rights but at the expense, degradation, or humiliation of another. It involves being so emotionally or physically forceful that the rights of others are not allowed to surface. Aggressiveness usually results in others becoming angry or vengeful, and as such, it can work against your intentions and cause people to lose respect for you. You may feel self-righteous or superior at a particular time -- but after thinking things through, you may feel guilty later. “

How a very fine gentleman will assert himself?

The legendary Mr. JRD Tata was born in Paris in 1904. His father was Parsi and mother was French. His school days upto the age of 12 were spent in Paris, three years  in Mumbai and Yokohama and one and half year in France. Ultimately, at the age of 22 he arrived in India and lived here for the rest of his life.

JRD Tata‘s sixty odd years of letter writing produced more than 40,000 letters. The selected letters have been published as book “JRD TATA Letters” by Rupa & Co. and  very ably edited by Mr. Arvind Mambro who mentions that “JRD Tata was a prolific letter-writer and … (his letters) reveal various facets of his personality, his relationship with various people, his view on various issues, his kindness, forthrightness, and sense of humour…”

Here, for the sake of understanding how to be assertive without being offensive or aggressive, two of his letters serve as best example I could lay my hands upon. A careful reading will exhibit how JRD’s qualities as a superior human being an his fine sensitiveness about feelings of others as well as his likes and dislikes.

First letter is written to one of his employees, Mr. LP Vachek, General Manager of Taj Hotel  about some thing that would hurt the feelings of others

The second  one ( below) is   written to his neighbour Dr KT Gajjar, a noted pathologist and whose house was next to JRD’s shack at Juhu is explicit about how he would like to be treated

But......Never Try Assertiveness At Home !
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. 

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"  
"The funeral contractor," said his wife.

Global Handwashing Day & World Mosquito Day & what not !!

As any young child grows up, she becomes more and clearer that not only the seven  days of the week have names like Monday, Tuesday  but there are many more. To begin with, her own birthday is most special and then there are many family festival days. By the time she starts attending school, she learns that Sundays are more special; Saturdays equally welcome, although only in half measure.  

Soon she learns, as a victim of some prankster that there is All Fool’s Day on 1^st April. And  her learning continues as she comes across Children’s Day, Independence Day, Republic Day, Teachers’ Day, Martyrs Day, Army Flag Day. Yet the list would hardly stretch  beyond this point at this point of her innocent life.

One wishes the sweet  little girl’s life were kept this simple and not complicated beyond!  But if she created this lovely “My Special Days Calendar” , taking innovative & creative tips from  Trina’s highly creative blog , the book would have enough space for her entries and would not  be overflowing!  ( Visit http://trinamagnolialove.blogspot.com/2009/07/special-days-calendar.html) 

As she grows up as teen, Valentine’s  Day &  Friendship Day bring a new charm in her life alongwith saying hello on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day , which in the eyes of the elders in the are ‘external  influences’ in their traditional values.

Then, with the torturing & insane  recurrence every day, the Sun rises with the GoK (God-only-knows)  type of  some new, never-heard-before types of  special days. Some,  of course,  are solemn ( and hence bearable ) days like Global Hand washing Day (to save children dying from waterborne diseases, because  as many as 5,000 die daily). 

But these are outstripped by not-so-solemn newer, funnier, funkier, quirkier and often dumber names for the ‘special’ days in her life which she has to encounter. For a while, the list of these special days brings a chuckle on her face and then, but  she is soon dazzled and  it more often brings a feeling of awe and amazement rather than of admiration !

She would  hardly have energy to explain her plight of reeling under  the bombardment  of  No Smoking Day, World Laughter Day,  Hugging Day,  Left Handers’ Day, World Mosquito Day, World Hello Day, Boss’s Day, Secretary’s Day, National Ice Cream Day , Pop Corn Day,  World Thrift Day, Buy Nothing Day, International Goat Day,  Mule Day, Cranky Co-workers’ Day, National Knock Knock Day, etc , etc,

As though this is not enough, people are creating new ones. Take , for example,   Tom Roy, a US actor, who has created and trademarked as many as 72 new days for the sheer fun of it and  many of them have been taken by people ‘seriously’. Roy started inventing them in 1980s and   "Wellcat Holidays" is a trademark of Thomas and Ruth Roy, which owns the rights to these special days ( more about it on at www.wellcat.com )

He is not alone  ! Roy's holidays compete with more than 12,000 other holidays  for recognition, Most are generated by special-interest groups, trade associations, lobbyists, self-promotional authors or celebrities.  All these appear in Chase's Calendar of Events which is regarded  as the USA’s  annual bible of extraordinary occasions and special days and events ( and is a part of renowned  McGraw-Hill Companies).  But Roy's are funnier than most, They are regarded as America’s biggest holiday makers.

To our sweet teenager’s amazement and bewilderment, Roy’s list includes  Panic Day, No Socks Day, No Underwear Day, No Housework Day,  Have Bad Bad Day, Repot Your Plant Day, Donut Day, Loosen Up & Lighten Up day, Laugh & Grow Rich Day, Eat What You Want Day, Talk Like a Pirate day, Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day, Make Up Your Mind Day, Blah Blah Day, Be Late Day,  Stay Home Because You Are Well Day & to top  this all, there is Make Up Your Own Holiday ( March, 26),

The little, sweet girl finds, to her further despair that some are working hard in creating  special months, especially in USA and she is worried ! Because the rest of the world is too quick to import such a stuff home.  The list is sometimes serious, well-intentioned, light-hearted and appears sometimes out-of-this-world and funny too, It makes an interesting reading if you are little worried about the little girl's  future !

Read on :

Change Your Stars Month,  Personal Self-Defense Awareness Month,  Wealth Mentality Month,  Bird Feeding Months, Boost Self-Esteem Month, Library Lovers' Month, Mend a Broken Heart Month, Pet Dental Health Month, Plant the Seeds of Greatness Month, Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month, Ethics Awareness Month, Expect Success Month, Ideas Month, Listening Awareness Month, Poison Prevention Awareness Month, Umbrella Month,  Card and Letter Writing Month, Emotional Overeating Awareness Month, Fresh Florida Tomato Month, Month of the Military Child, Gifts From the Garden Month, Meditation Month, Military Appreciation Month, Personal History Month, Smile Month, Teen Self-Esteem Month, Prepare Tomorrow's Parents Month, Dairy Alternatives Month, Potty Training Awareness Month, Bereaved Parents Awareness Month, Cell Phone Courtesy Month, Share a Sunset with Your Lover Month, Wheelchair Beautification Month, Women's Motorcycle Month, Get Ready for Kindergarten Month, Happiness Happens Month, Win with Civility Month, Children's Good Manners Month, College Savings Month, Shameless Promotion Month, Church Safety and Security Month, Eat Better, Eat Together Month, Squirrel Awareness Month, Workplace Politics Awareness Month, Family Stories Month, Gluten-Free Diet Awareness Month, Drunk and Drugged Driving Prevention Month, Rising Star Month, etc , etc,

Creating a new, special day or month would be totally  absurd if there is no  detailed activity list  for celebrating it. One  wonders how would  people participate in the celebrations, remember the event and carry home the message or  spirit or fun!

Fed up by the sometimes sensible and often senseless list of days and months which clutters her calendar, she takes a hint from Roy’s Make Your Own Holiday, which falls on March 26.  Unable to wait so long, she takes a serious, concerned look around her life in her own country and starts jotting down her wish list of new special days.

Her moving finger writes, as though with a fervent hope for a better future ( and also with a little but sweet sense of innocent reciprocation ):

No corruption day  celebration by all corrupt  as well as corrupting  people; No walk out Day in Parliament and state assemblies, etc., No work delaying tactic Day,  No food adulteration Day, No spitting on the walls Day, No urinating on the road Day, No ticketless travel Day, No black money transaction Day, No child spanking Day, No needless operations and pathological investigation Day, No cheating the consumer Day, No flirting-in-office  Day, No simple people exploitation Day, No electricity outage Day, No public transport delay Day, No soiled currency note Day, No jumping the queue Day, No quack medicine Day, No tall claims advertisement Day, No traffic discourtesy Day, No senseless-email / SMS forwarding Day, No poor jokes Day, No “missed” cell phone  calls  Day, No sandalwood cremation day for VIPs, No noisy siren-fitted VIP cars day, and No  intolerance Day etc, etc, 

Amen !

In Memoriam

Blessed and privileged are they  whose parents are still with them. When the memory of departed father (or mother) flashes all across, the emotions  obviously surge. At those times, one has no words of his own and he leans to some one else - who is more eloquent - in his search for expressions. One here is in picture and another is in words.

Father and son : what a relationship & how well portrayed here by artist Ashley Ng ! 

In his very touching poem in Gujarati titled Punaravartan (Repetition), poet  Jashwant Desai (1926 - )  narrates a simple yet poignant incident – that of  putting his Father’s portrait on the wall when his eyes are flooded with tears. 

The poet’s memory takes him back to some what  similar incident   when, twenty years ago, he was watching his father hanging the grandfather’s portrait. His father had tears in his eyes too and, for a while the entire surrounding was engulfed in dark gloom. 


Time flies and two decades later, the grandfather’s portrait has moved elsewhere in the home, making room for the father’s portrait ! He ends the poem saying that the scene & the stage have not changed but only the actors have – and hence the title.

This lovely poem can be best savoured in Gujarati only  and here it is.

The only solace is that one generation's photograph will keep replacing the previous  ones. On signing out, I am also reminded of a very soothing  verse ( anonymous?) :

Ev'n for the dead I will not bind my soul to grief;

Death cannot long divide.

For is it not as though the rose that climbed my garden wall

Has blossomed on the other side?

Death does hide 

But not divide;

You are but on Christ's side!

How to Eat an Elephant ?

                                                  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

In yesterday's post ( Paanchvi Pass ), we encountered a very  monstrous, artificially created word - the longest so far in English - pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis

of the size of a baby elephant or an anaconda.

If it sounded frightening, do not worry – it is just a paper elephant. You know its meaning – almost – if not fully. And there is a master key to handle all such paper monsters & paper anacondas. Just go to its root  ( etymologically) !

In a word power book by Ms Ida L Ehrlich , published in the 1970s , this word was mentioned as the longest and , surprisingly, it has retained its position in 2009 also ! Is not this stagnancy a great insult to human creativity which has remained sluggish during last 30+ years, at least in this regard?

Let us start handling  it like we handle a jumbo-sized pizza with special scissors.

When we do that, it  will look a little more manageable :

pneumono + ultra + micro + scop +ic +  silico + volcano + coni (konis) + osis

Piece by piece, it appears little more familiar.

Pneumono comes from the root pneumon= lungs, breathing  ( we know pneumonia, pneumatic, etc);

Ultra is a prefix = beyond, exceeding ( we know ultramodern, ultrasonic, etc);

 +micro comes from the root mikros= minute, small by comparison ( we know microbiology, microphone, microscope, etc);

 +scop comes from the root scopos= watch, see ( we know horoscope, telescope, etc);

 +ic is a suffix=like, nature of ( we know acidic, majestic, poetic, realistic, etc);

 + silico comes from the root silicis= flint( we know silica, silicone, silicate, , etc);

 + volcano comes from the root volcan, vulcan= volcano( we know the god of fire Vulcan, vulcanizing, , etc);

+ coni comes from the root konis= dust ( we know koniscope, coniosis,, etc);

And finally,

osis is a suffix= disease (we know hypnosis, psoriasis, neurosis, elephantiasis, etc.) 
PS: Do not be perplexed if I tell that some of these roots are Latin & Greek, etc.

So now we know that it SIMPLY  means

“A lung disease caused by inhaling dust like silicon and volcanic dust particles so minute that in order to see them, a microscope which exceeds the ordinary is needed. (copyright by the publishers of Ms. Ehrlich)

Language is like a river. 
It flows freely and gives its sweet nectar to every one  who chooses to fill up his glass along its long, winding path.

For example, if I had a cousin who lives in Spain, the bottle of shampoo she will gift to me will

look some what like this and please glance at its lable.     

                                                                                                                                                                                                            It reads “ champu” which in Spanish means "shampoo" which  word has travelled a long way. Want to know the its arduous journey? 

It came - all the way -   from Anglo-Indian shampoo,

from Hindi champo, imperative of champna "to press, knead the muscles,"

perhaps from Sanskrit . capayati”pounds, kneads."

(courtesy: http://www.etymonline.com/)

                 

    
The enjoy the  "elephant"  !    bon appétit !  


  

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? / Kyaa Aap Paanchvi Paas Se Tez Hain?

If some one tells me that the longest word in any of the major English language dictionaries is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and shortest English word is so and so and the most difficult word to understand is so and so and the most difficult word to spell is such and such and the most difficult word to pronounce is such and such, I can easily get away by saying that English is not my mother tongue.

Some one whose mother tongue it really is also could get away by saying something else - I do not know what – but there must be really a way out! Perhaps she would say : “please do not bother me with such trivia” , which for that matter can be said by any one , mother tongue or not .

One would say that there are dictionaries, thesaurus and what not, so much well within our reach and so why bother .

And here I would not give up the chase and change the question a bit. “Can I ask you meanings of some simple words which you have to answer correctly &  completely  and  in first attempt?

My prey will readily agree and I  shoot : who is a “widow”?

Quickly and confidently she would answer: “ a lady whose husband has died ! Right ?"

Beaming with the smile of a winner, I answer: “ wrong, as was expected. Your answer is incomplete. Widow is a lady whose husband has died and who has not remarried”.

It is not my superior knowledge that I was trying to exhibit ( which certainly I don’t have) but our over-confidence ,  turned into our limitation,  in explaining simple, common words which they teach in kindergarten or first standard ( not to talk of 5th grade)  !

If you disagree with me, please write down what it means (for human beings) “ to walk” and “ to run” and compare your answer with this :

To walk : to advance or travel by foot at a moderate speed; move by advancing the feet alternatively so that there is always one foot on the ground.

To run : to go quickly by moving the legs more rapidly than at a walk and in such a manner that for an instant in each step both feet are off the ground”

Are you a game for some more questions? Here they are. Would you have correctly and completely define the following?

To eat : To take into mouth and swallow for nourishment

                           Chair : A seat, especially for one person, usually having four legs for support                             and a rest for the back and often having rests for the arms.

Rain: Water that is condensed from aqueous vapour in the atmosphere and falls to earth in drops more than 1/50 inch ( or (0.5 mm) in diameter.

Sweet ( taste)  : 1. having the taste or flavour characteristic of sugar, honey, etc. 2. producing the one of the four basic taste sensations that is not bitter, sour or salt.

( courtesy : Random House Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary )

So, next time you are planning to explain to a young one what a pillow is, for god's sake, ask for some time, go to your study table, double check whether what you are going to explain is correct and complete and then only you can face yourself in the mirror without guilt or shame.

Henry Watson Fowler (1858-1933) , is an extreme example of what a stickler for English usage can be and to experience this, you have to wade through my 1975 edition of 725-pages thick “ A Dictionary of Modern English Usage” written by him & first published in 1926.

Sir Ernest Gowers wrote in the preface that “ .. This epoch-making book made the name of Fowler a household word in all English-speaking countries….”

Quoting from The Second World War, v. 615, he further wrote : ‘ Its influence extended even to the battlefield. “ Why must you write intensive here?” asked the Prime Minister    (Winston  Churchill , some time in 1944 - as per this blogger) in a minute to the Director of Military intelligence about the plans for invasion of Normandy. “Intense is the right word. You should read Fowler’s Modern English Usage on the use of the two words.”

Only such a person , wielding his pen with the precision  a surgeon's scalpel can devote three full pages while explaining to me one of the smallest and simplest words, namely “as” !!

Eureka !! My summum bonum  should now be to consult dictionary , even when not in doubt and even for definitions of simple words. One, it will be a good pastime. Secondly, it will give make us smile once in a while  at our stupidity and, more importantly, train us to think and communicate in a more organized way.